


Aftermath, Affection, and Importance

by PolyPairings



Series: The Arbiter, The Medic, and Inter-Species Relationships [9]
Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms
Genre: Advanced medical technology, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arbiter x Reader, Badass Reader, First Argument (sorta), First Fleet of Revolutionary Destiny, Fluff and Angst, Gender-neutral Reader, Harmonious Resolution, Heavy Talk, I finished this at 4 AM, No Beta - We Die Like Badasses, Other, Reader is a tactical/strategical genius, References to dead bodies but no descriptions, Some descriptions of blood but it's minor, Thel 'Vadam x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28961148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolyPairings/pseuds/PolyPairings
Summary: Now that the bridge of theHarmonious Resolutionhas been secured and both the ship and Covenant Stealth ship taken by the Swords, it's time to deal with the aftermath.
Relationships: Thel 'Vadam | The Arbiter/Reader
Series: The Arbiter, The Medic, and Inter-Species Relationships [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615108
Comments: 42
Kudos: 42





	1. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Thel have been dating for 88 Human days (70 Sangheili) on October 14th. It's a new day in Human time but in Sangheili time it's getting later in the day, say 2500-ish Sangheili time.
> 
> This happens almost directly after the end of the last chapter of Experience, Education and Intimidation. Some touchy discussions in both this chapter and the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get this chapter done sooner, but executive dysfunction is a Thing(™) and it’s getting harder to type. The tumor is still growing, so I’m still losing mobility. The pain isn’t nearly as bad as my leg was, but it’s getting more difficult to move my hand. It’s like my muscles and nerves are lagging; each day it takes a little more effort to move it, and it’s a little slower to respond. Finally have an MRI scheduled, so I should know if it’s in the next most obvious place sometime next week.
> 
> Also, I just realized it's been a year since I officially started the series as of January 24th. 48k+ words in a year, that's the most I've ever written that wasn't a school assignment. There's more to come!

_24:49, Rokeurs, 29th of Eonu; Thursday, October 14_

You can’t help but be thankful that Shipmaster ‘Zotanai is unconscious. If he were awake he would be in a lot of pain, even if he consented to a dose of polypseudomorphine. According to the Swords that were on the bridge, Shipmaster ‘Zotanai was tortured the longest. There are many scattered lacerations and burns on his body from the Covenant Shipmaster’s plasma sword. The pile of dead Swords you saw were killed quickly and their bodies mutilated and desecrated to ‘bring them dishonor’ in order to get ‘Zotanai to talk. When that didn’t work, they moved onto him. You had to get help from some of the able and willing Sangheili in Medbay Alpha to remove his armor and tech suit so you could treat him.

Medbay Alpha is the closest to the bridge, which is why you had the injured moved here. All medbays are stocked with the supplies to treat all of the races in the Swords of Sanghelios and Humans, so you don’t have to relocate any across the ship to Medbay Gamma. None of the Sangheili medics that inhabit this medbay are on the ship, they all went down to Kyreecht to help the forces. The ones that were left onboard are in Medbay Beta, and there are a few that are en route. They’ll take your place so you can go back to your medbay and treat your Humans, since you’re the most qualified to do so.

For now, it’s only you and some Swords and marines that have had a bit more medical training than most. More Humans know the basics of burn, blunt force trauma, and shrapnel treatment than they used to, since those became the most common injuries during the Great War. More Swords have been utilizing first aid because of Thel’s initiatives, and some have been actively searching out information about it. You have a suspicion that your and the other medics’ trainees have been sharing their lessons, but you’re certainly not going to punish them for it.

Once you finish stabilizing Shipmaster ‘Zotanai you’ll start treating the other injured. From what you can tell from the glances you’ve taken, none are as badly-injured as Shipmaster ‘Zotanai. Thankfully no one will require the use of an [automated surgical suite](https://www.halopedia.org/Automated_surgery_suite).

You’re just finishing up with the last of the lacerations, and you’ll keep an eye on him until the Sangheili medics arrive. You assume you’ll have to start answering questions when you’re done treating him as well. You can feel the eyes on you, and you aren’t numb to the uneasiness and wariness most of the Swords have around you. The Humans don’t really care, they understand what happened and why you did what you did. Maybe not all the reasons, but most. If anything, they’ll just be a bit weirded out but move on.

You set the Sangheili and Human medical and vital scanners to sound an alert if Shipmaster ‘Zotanai’s vitals reach a certain level, and then turn around and take in the room. Yep, you were right. Quite a few of the current Swords inhabiting Medbay Alpha have been glancing or outright staring at you. Some move their gaze elsewhere once you look at them but others are uncaring. You ignore them and do your job.

Major Zheth is nearby awaiting treatment and no one seems to be in need of urgent care, so you approach him. Your medical scanner informs you that he has burns from plasma and several hairline fractures on his right arm - his shield arm. The burns can be treated with MediGel, ointment, and bandages, but the fractures will need some [bone knitting polymer](https://www.halopedia.org/Bone-knitting_polymer) shots.

As you start treating the burns, a nearby Unggoy that has already been treated looks at you with open admiration. You ignore him, but he keeps focusing on just you, and your composure is starting to fray. As you’re waiting for the numbing agent to kick in for Zheth’s injections, you give him your attention.

“Can I help you with anything, Sword?” Your tone is professional but not unkind.

The Unggoy wiggles in place a bit before gathering the courage to talk to you.

“You very good acting! Very scary!” He says enthusiastically.

You blink as you’re slightly taken aback. Acting? The Unggoy obviously believes your threats and takedown of the Covenant Shipmaster was an act. You can see how he came to that conclusion, but is that what the other Swords believe?

You take a few minutes to think about it. You could choose the option the Unggoy (special operative Wimmul, you think) has unintentionally given you. It would make the Swords less wary of you, and they already will know about your skill with tactics. Rebecca was in the temporary CIC and overheard, after all.

Sure, you put on acts, like you did to make the Covenant Shipmaster lower his guard and underestimate you. If you accept this out and leave the Swords’ view of your disposition mainly the same, there’s not a significant chance of mistrust. Unless some of them decide that you have manipulated your way into this position at the UNSC’s behest. That’s not likely, especially since you decided to cite Arbiter and Swords before the UNSC when you said you’d rather die than be used against them.

But that’s not really you, that’s not how you fight. You made a plan that required torturing another sentient being and getting your hands dirty and you carried it out yourself. You didn’t decide on that plan for fun, though, you did it because it was the route that ended with the least amount of casualties, on both sides. It was cruel and disconcerting, but it wasn’t acting, not fully at least.

Besides, if you decided to claim you were acting, you could slip up in the future in a similar situation and reveal that you weren’t, and that would cause mistrust. No, best to tell the truth now.

“That,” you start, speaking at a good volume, “was no act.”

You now have the attention of anyone who heard you. You allow it, and keep your calm. You need an audience for this. It’s going to spread anyway, so you’d rather have more witnesses with the real story, and not a diluted scuttlebutt version.

“Not...Not acting?” Wimmul’s voice rises and ends in a squeak. He looks nervous and slightly afraid now.

“I did not have to act like I didn’t care about that Covenant Shipmaster’s death, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get any satisfaction out of it. I don’t care. I don’t even care to know his name.”

That is a worrying thing to say, you know. It’s on purpose, you’d like others to interact and voice their curiosities. And it works.

“Then why did you do it?” A Sangheili with a good laceration down his forearm asks the question. You think he is Special Operations Officer Kheaa ‘Zutum. He also deals with tactics, he must have some suspicions.

“Well, in a way I suppose it was an act, as I planned on it demoralizing the Covenant infiltrators. It made them easier to subdue, and it will likely make it easier to get information out of them,” you admit. “But ultimately, that was no act. I only did what Humans have done for the last thirty one years; what we’ve been doing as we fought - and continue to fight - the Covenant.”

“And what is that?” Kheaa ‘Zutum is more curious than wary of you.

“I did what was necessary,” you say matter-of-factly as you look him straight in the eyes. “The Covenant Shipmaster was a threat to me and my allies, and a dishonorable scumbag. I saw an opportunity to minimize the number of casualties on both sides, so I took it. If that involved making him suffer, so be it. I’d rather it be him suffering than me or mine.”

You project your voice to the rest of the room while still seeming to speak to ‘Zutum. “I feel I should remind you that Humanity didn’t fight - isn't fighting - for some grand achievement. We don’t fight for honor or money or some ethereal or religious reward. We fight to survive. We fight to win. Which means that I will always do what’s necessary to protect my people and my allies.”

‘Zutum and most of the room are silent as they digest that.

“But…”

You turn back to Wimmul and wait for him to finish his sentence.

“But you’s a healer!”

You smile kindly at him. “I am. But I am also a soldier, and I have been one for eleven years. It will be twelve years, in January. Many forget that and I let them, because then they underestimate me, just like our enemies on the bridge did. It gives me an advantage.”

You stay pleasant as you return to Zheth.

“Can you feel this?” You ask as you probe the numbed areas. At his negatory, you begin injecting the bone-knitting polymer.

The rest of the Swords have things to think about, so they leave you be. Some make plans to ask their Human friends about what you said. The Humans will agree and give their own two cents, and a new wave of respect for you and Humans as a whole will soon sweep the ship. When the rest of the ship returns from Kyreecht, they too will hear the tale.


	2. Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Thel have been dating for 88 Human days (almost 71 Sangheili).

_26:58, Rokeurs, 29th of Eonu; Thursday, October 14, 2556_

The rest of the Swords of Sanghelios return to the _Harmonious Resolution_ after you return to your medbay. The rest of the Fleet of Revolutionary Destiny joins the flagship and captured stealth ship above Kyricht. The clean-up will be a combined effort. The towns and cities will need fixed, resupplied, and replenished with troops. There will be more Swords stationed on Kyricht after this, and in more than just one town. 

Thel spoke with the other Shipmasters before returning to his flagship. More than one of them volunteered their crew to begin and carry out the clean-up and repair of the _Harmonious Resolution_ to give her crew a chance to rest and recover. He accepted, and crew from both the _Valiant Liberator_ and _Tranquil Victory_ will be taking over the duties of the flagship’s crew. They’ll also spread the tales of how merely a third of the occupants of the _Harmonious Resolution_ managed to hunt down and destroy almost all of the invading Covenant ship, including the Shipmaster.

The medbays aren’t as busy anymore, especially not yours, since it’s out of the way of the most populated parts of the ship. The Sangheili medics that were down on Kyricht treated a lot of the injured Swords and Unggoy civilians, and the ones they didn’t have already been treated. A few medics stayed on Kyricht to finish up before getting some rest while the rest returned. Your students are cleaning up the medbay and allowing you privacy to focus on your job.

Most of the injuries are minor enough that they’re quick fixes for you and your students or easy for the Swords themselves to treat. The dead are being prepared for transport. The Fleet of Revolutionary Destiny will meet with the Fleet of Eternal Honor, who will travel to Sanghelios to get the bodies sent to their keeps or colonies via cargo ship. Any without blood family will be given death prayers and rites by their found family in the Swords.

As for the Human dead, you’re taking care of them. You’re the only Human medic, and so you’ve taken responsibility for their bodies. All were carried to your medbay where you have been cleaning them up, recording cause of death, time of death from their neural interfaces, and collecting and itemizing their personal effects. 

You lost nine people, all combatants. Some were killed in the siege on the CIC, others were killed in the halls. You know all of their names. Terriamo Langley, Matthias Ramirez, Sanna Haines, Cahaya Ó Seachnasaigh, Breeshey Pozzi, Asha Megalos, Eli Fontana, Mario Araya, and Dorit Campana. More dead Humans at the hands of the Covenant.

It’s probably not healthy to feel so detached. You grieve, yes, but you’re also just resigned. Jaded. During the War there were so many bodies, and not all of them were safe to retrieve. If this were a Human team infiltrating a Covenant ship to blow it up or steal intel or assassinate someone, the bodies would be left. Only the dog tags would have been retrieved, if those still alive even had the opportunity. You remind yourself that less people are dying now that the War is ‘officially’ over, and it helps a little. 

Thel comes to see you when you have three bodies left to take care of. He simply waits by the door inside the room and watches you, knowing you’ll notice him. He sees your exhaustion and depression in the slightly slower and lethargic way you move. Regardless, you notice him within a minute. You give him a tired smile, and approach him after you finish putting Asha’s dogtags and the photos she had in a pocket in a bag. 

“Thel,” you breathe, forgoing formalities in your tired state. Thel reaches out a hand towards you for you to hold and draws you in closer to him. 

“(Y/N),” he says with relief. He guides you gently into the hall where the privacy is slightly better than inside the medbay. Once out of view, he folds you into a hug, which you sag into. It’s brief, since you’re still in public, but it still gives you both some strength and comfort.

When you both pull away you examine each other for injuries. Thel has scorch marks and some dents and scratches on his armor but no blood. Your uniform still has dried blood caked on it, but you’d gotten the worst of the gore off. Thel squeezes his mandibles together in concern at the dried Human blood on your armor and brushes a hand over it to check for holes or slashes.

You reach up and put a hand on his wrist to stop him.

“None of it is mine,” you say quietly as you look down at the floor. You swallow as you’re hit with another tempest of emotions and force it back down. You’re not done with your work yet, you’ll work through your emotions either alone or with someone you trust in private later.

Thel holds your hand in one of his and puts a hand on your shoulder. The size difference would be amusing if you were in a better mood.

“I am sorry,” he says softly. He squeezes your shoulder as you nod.

“It will be okay,” you say as you look up at him and smile a bit. You always look soft when you look at him, even now, and he loves it. Thel doesn’t know it, but he softens every time he looks at you, too.

“I cannot stay,” he says with regret. “There are things I must do before I can rest and spend time with you,” he says apologetically.

“I understand, Thel, you don’t need to worry,” you remind him. “I also have some things to-,” you glance to the medbay, to the bodies of your friends as your sorrow shows on your face. “Some things to do,” you finish lamely.

Thel nods solemnly. He feels for every Sword of Sanghelios and Sangheili that dies, but he has rarely had to deal with their bodies, not to the extent that you are. But he went through something similar on Delta Halo, finding his shield-brothers slaughtered and looted by the Jiralhanae during the beginning of the Great Schism, so he can empathize.

“My quarters are open to you to stay the night in if you wish,” Thel offers. You look at him searchingly. You’ve taken naps together and talked late at night and early in the morning, but you’ve never spent the night together. 

He lowers his head down towards yours and speaks quietly. “I thought you might like somewhere more private to convalesce. And,” he moves his hand from your shoulder to take your free hand. “I would sleep better knowing that you’re safe,” he admits. 

“Yeah,” you nod, barely having to think about it. “Okay.” You wouldn’t mind staying in the Human quarters, except for the beds that will now stand empty. Everyone else will have to face them, but they’ll band together and support each other, as the UNSC - as Humans in general - have been doing for every life lost. Maybe it’s a bit selfish of you, but you’re allowed to be selfish if it’s for your mental health.

Thel gently squeezes your hands in thanks. You squeeze back.

“I’ll see you soon,” he says.

“Soon,” you agree. You bring his hands up to kiss his fingers and then free them. Thel gives you one last soft look as he tenderly cups your face for a few seconds before he has to leave. You watch him go and turn back to the medbay to do your duty, just as Thel does his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update on my condition: So I got the most recent MRI results back and it's not there either. Which sucks, but I'm persevering. I'm going to get an appointment with that neurologist and see where he thinks it is. While I would prefer it was found sooner since my arm is more painful now and it's now evident that I'm starting to lose my fine motor control skills, I can find the positives in it. I know where it is _not_ , and with the specific movements I'm able to and an observation on of the radiology techs made I have a very general idea of where it might be. I am at the end of my knowledge of nerves though, so I'm not even going to try making another guess. I can still write and play video games for now, so that's good enough for me.


	3. Importance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first major argument you and Thel have, though it’s probably not what you expect. Am I projecting? Probably. Is it good writing anyway? I think so. 
> 
> Also, I know I said this one would have fluff, and it will, but there’s a lot of feels and angst. Which is why I’ve decided that the next work will be a nice and fluffy date fic. I’m going to try my hand at writing Sangheili poetry, based on what we have from Halo 5 from the one Sangheili that had a crush on Sarah Palmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I wanted it to, again. I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record. I just struggle with motivation with my ADD and my current exhaustion and health problems. And a few days ago I noticed that I’m having limitations in my left leg and my knee and leg hurts. The exact limitations I get from my nerve tumors. Which means that the one affecting my arm is big enough and/or in a position that happens to innervate both locations that isn’t close enough to my spine to show up on an MRI of it. Or there’s just another one that’s gotten big enough to cause issues. Huzzah. Go genetics.

_28:02, Rokeurs, 29th of Eonu; Thursday, October 14, 2556_

When you have finished your solemn job, you return to the Human quarters. After officially confirming the nine deaths to the Human group and talking to Estela, Rebecca, and Shaun, you head to the locker room and armory. On ships with more Humans, there are people whose job is specifically to look after armor and equipment. Soldiers usually clean their own weapons, but there’s always more than Humans immediately need, so they take care of that.

Here though, you’ve all discussed it. People who do drills onboard maintain their gear after each one, but otherwise it’s a volunteer system. People who were in active combat get their gear taken care of by volunteers from people who were not. If for some reason all of you were in combat, then you’d take care of your own gear and help others around you, or the least tired would volunteer. It’s a lot more flexible since there’s so few of you here in a smaller area.

So you unload your ammo from your guns and make sure your safety is on before handing over them and your dirty combat knife to Zdraka Nazgul - one of the non-combatants that stayed in the Human quarters during the battle - for cleaning and maintenance. You strip from your dirty BDU in the locker room and hand that over to Silvia Dirksen, another of the non-participants, for the same.

You sit on a bench in the locker room in the tank top and shorts you had underneath your BDU and just… _be_ for a few minutes. Eventually your mind wanders back to the things you need to do now. You need to take a shower, but the showers in the Human quarters are full, and there’s already a queue waiting to use them. Since there’s not that many of you only eight showers were installed, with a curtain that can be drawn to divide them into four on each side. You could wait for your turn; you could even get ahead in the queue by using people’s respect and sympathy for your having killed the Covenant Shipmaster and caring for the bodies of your fallen. But you really don’t feel like talking with other Humans right now.

You decide you’ll shower in Thel’s quarters instead. Thel has long since given you full access to his quarters and its amenities. You’ve even showered there in the past when the Human showers were full. Decision made, you grab some clean clothes and a datapad in case someone needs to contact you. You pull on some shoes and pants, put on one of your white coats, and button it almost all the way up to give some semblance of formality to your appearance. Its pockets are also large enough to fit your clean clothes into with some folding and finagling.

You get eyed by quite a few of those that you pass in the hallways on the way to Thel’s quarters. The Swords native to the ship are either curious or wary from hearing of how you killed the enemy Shipmaster and the later conversation in the medbay. The crews from the _Valiant Liberator_ and _Tranquil Victory_ are getting their first glance of the Arbiter’s courtship partner, and those that have heard the rumors are also wary and/or curious. Or maybe they’re staring because there’s still a bit of blood spattered on your face from the battle. It’s obviously not yours, since it’s purple. It’s probably the Covenant Shipmaster’s, actually.

Although you can tell there are Swords who definitely want to ask you questions or talk to you, you are left alone. Maybe it’s the blood, maybe it’s your exhaustion, maybe it’s the way your eyes are still alert and sharp despite it. You don’t particularly feel like caring at this moment in time, so you don’t. Political and social machinations are a problem for future-you. Future-you isn’t going to be very happy with past-you, but current-you doesn’t care.

Thel isn’t in his room when you get there, which you expected. You go straight to his bathroom to get the day’s sweat and grime off, along with the last of the blood. You had already decided that you would use Thel’s soap. You didn’t really feel like toting shower supplies down the halls to Thel’s quarters.

Thel’s soap is a mixture of some kind of [ground plant root and dry clay](https://www.reddit.com/r/sangheili/comments/ej7bwp/sangheili_fact_made_by_a_343i_employee_in_a_forum/). It’s similar to the fancy powdered shampoos and washes you’ve seen online that are made of plants like [soapwort](https://healthembassy.co.uk/en/blogs/17_Soapwort---surprising-soap-plant.html). It turns into a paste rather than lathering into bubbles and suds, but it works just fine.

It smells earthy and clean, and you like the smell. Thel likes it too, and likes it even more when you smell like him, or he like you. It’s an instinct left over from the earlier days of Sangheili development, but not necessarily a bad one.

You relax in the shower and let the running water soothe you. If this were a normal Sangheili shower, its water pressure would be a lot higher and the water colder. Thel had it changed while the ship was docked to the _Infinity_ and being renovated. The shower in his quarters has been modified to have a lower-pressure, warmer setting. The warmest it can get is just past lukewarm. Thel had apologized for that, but that was nonsense. The shower modification was very sweet and considerate, and he had done it to try and make you feel more welcome even in the case that you never used it.

You do feel a bit bad sometimes about all the things Thel does for you. Thel has been putting aside his free time for you, and he doesn’t have an abundance of it. He got special permission for your dates in the simulation room, he had N’thito and Khova shadow you to make you feel safe for the end of your time on the _Infinity_ , and he changed his own quarters for you. He was even willing to get you a room next to his, though he did agree with you when you pointed out that that would seem like favoritism and wouldn’t be the best idea. You wish you could do more for him.

Thel doesn’t mind at all though. He understands the different standings you each have in your respective governments and your different jobs and duties. He doesn’t need gifts or even acts of service, just spending time with you is enough. Thel did look into the five love languages earlier in your relationship, at the advice of a Sword who was dating a Human. It helped him understand Human dating and relationships and how to blend it with Sangheili courting.

You finish showering quickly out of military-ingrained habit and your exhaustion. You do consider staying up and waiting for Thel, but you don’t know when he’ll be done with his duties. You’ll be able to function and talk better if you have a nap, anyway. So that’s what you do. Once you get your clothes on, you immediately climb onto his bed and make your way under the covers.* (I) You decide to leave the lights on for Thel. They don’t give you any issue falling asleep; you’re snoozing soon after you’re situated.

* * *

_29:12, Rokeurs, 29th of Eonu; Thursday, October 14, 2556_

Thel is looking forward to seeing you when he is finally finished with the duties that need his immediate attention. The Fleet of Revolutionary Destiny is heading to rendezvous with the Fleet of Eternal Honor and he made it so that he will be able to sleep in and spend more time with you. His armor has been given to Huragoks for repair and he took care of his weapons already.

Thel enters his quarters quietly and notices the lights are on. He sees you almost immediately on the bed, and can smell that you’ve showered. You seem to be asleep, and he confirms that as he treads nearer. He admires your sleeping face for a moment before turning to dress in a lounge robe. As he does so, he can hear you start to stir, but you’re slow to wake up. As he finishes preparing for bed and listening to you awaken, his thoughts turn to what today’s events have caused him to think of.

You are very dear to Thel and he wants to make you happy. He thoroughly enjoys learning about Human culture and habits; they’re so varied and diverse that he can always find something he likes. Thel wants you to at least not mind Sangheili culture, but he has worried that you’ll find it too conservative or strict. Sangheili culture and habits have been stagnant for centuries before he started making changes. He wants to have a long relationship with you, and he worries about how you might feel being surrounded by a culture and environment reminiscent to the one that sought your destruction for twenty eight years.

Thel wants you to feel at home and comfortable and safe, he really likes you. You have met and continue to meet many of the preferences that he has for romantic partners. As the Arbiter and Kaidon of Vadam Keep, he has an image to maintain, and some preferences have to do with that, but many are for himself. Thel both has and has had options and potential suitors from many Keeps and colonies but he never quite clicked or connected with any of them the way he does with you.

What Thel really wants is for you to become his official courtmate and eventually marry him, but he knows that Human relationships aren’t as restrictive as Sangheili ones are. He doesn’t want to pressure you into anything, but he strongly hopes that your plans for the future involve him. Right now you’re his courtship partner, which is when a couple is unofficially courting to see if they’re a good match. Courtship partners can separate without there being too much drama; it’s a way for Keeps to portray an alliance in progress for status and politics and for couples to ascertain compatibility without losing honor if the match fails. Being official courtmates is equivalent to being engaged.* (II)

Thel is broken out of his thoughts by you getting off his bed and padding over to him. He turns to greet you, engulfing you in a [hug](https://galway-bae.tumblr.com/post/611450769797988352/ive-been-thinking-about-1-swans-and-2-a-pair-of). You sigh and melt into him, and you stay that way for several minutes. Thel can smell his earthy soap on you and rumbles contentedly before pulling away. Reluctantly, Thel releases you. As much as he would like to climb into bed and hold you close to him, you have some things you need to discuss.

You tug at his robes a little, and he leans down so you can give him a kiss. He takes your hand and guides you over to his favorite chair. When he sits while you are standing it puts you closer to eye-level so you don’t have to crane your neck to look up at him while you’re talking. The armrests are big enough for you to sit on, too. When you do this and lean against him he likes to put his arm around you.

You do this now, since neither of you are quite ready to go to bed yet. Thel lets go of your hand so he can sit, and once he’s situated you hop up on the arm rest. His arm is warm and comforting when it wraps around you, and his robe is soft and of a high-quality fabric. You snuggle into Thel and you both just sit there for a while, finding comfort in each other’s presence.

“How are you?” Thel eventually asks, gently.

Your sigh sounds tired, both emotionally and physically. “I’m alright. Not bad, but not good either.” You absent-mindedly stroke his hand that you’ve sandwiched between both of yours in your lap. The texture is soothing.

“It’s not like this is the first time I’ve lost friends,” you say resignedly. “I know how to cope. I’m not okay now, but I will be. I mainly just need time.”

Thel understands, time more often than not lessens pain. There are both Sangheili and Human sayings for this. When Thel first learned of the lies and betrayals of the False Prophets and saw his shield-brothers killed by their order, he was furious and distressed. That lessened when he killed the Prophet of Truth, for he knew that no one would be manipulated by them again. He still feels angry and still berates himself for all those innocent deaths, but not as much anymore.

“How are you, Thel?” You know he is likely used to the deaths of his soldiers and fellows after decades of war, but you ask anyway because you care about him.

“I will never be happy or content when my allies and people die,” he admits. “I have made my peace with it long ago - it was necessary as an officer. But I will never enjoy it.”

You nod in acknowledgement and acceptance, but you frown slightly and press your lips together. You look troubled, but you must not feel like sharing just yet, so he does not push. He changes the subject to the main thing he wanted to talk to you about.

“I heard that your plans were instrumental in retaking the CIC,” Thel says with pride in his voice. He doesn’t bother to ask why you didn’t stay with the others in the Human barracks or your medbay; he knows you. You wouldn’t just stand by while others are in danger or hurt. It’s one of the many things he likes about you.

“Xero ‘Nufumai was impressed with your tactical skills. Why were you not used for tactical decisions and planning in the UNSC?”

“Because I’ve never had any official schooling or experience in it,” you explain. “Humans consider education and experience to be very important; it’s what dictates our jobs.”

Thel inclines his head in understanding but you can tell he’s judging the UNSC a little. “I can see your skill in it, and I will not stop you from using it. You know I value your opinion.”

“I do know,” you say as you smile at him.

Thel parts his mandibles in a Human version of a Sangheili smile and gently bumps his head against yours in affection. “I heard you fought very well. It is a shame the cameras weren’t working. I would have liked to see it.”

You shrug. “You probably will in the future.”

Thel purses his mandibles at that. “I would prefer you stay out of danger.”

You bristle a bit, suddenly defensive. “Thel, I’m a soldier. It’s part of my job. You should know this.”

“I know, that is not what I mean.” Thel pauses and rethinks his wording. “I am not saying I do not have faith in your abilities. I am saying that I will worry regardless, even though I know you are capable.”

You mull over the words and relax, accepting his explanation. “I understand. I feel the same.”  
Thel is relieved. He did not mean to cause offense and was not expecting you to react so defensively. Were you truly concerned he would try to make you a non-combatant or does whatever is bothering you have to do with the subject? If it doesn’t come up, he will ask.

“I was told of your tactics and I observed some...wariness from some of the Swords when it was spoken of. I would like to hear it from you, if you are comfortable,” he says, continuing on from before the tangent you went off on.

Your eyes harden a bit, and you grimace slightly. “I was afraid of that.” You give a brief sigh of disappointment before you continue.

“It’s because of the way I killed the Covenant Shipmaster.” You don’t think Thel will react negatively, but you’re not certain. “I paralyzed him and let him suffocate to death, even when one of his men asked me for mercy.” Thel looks at you, but you don’t meet his eyes.

“I had to do it. I had to be cruel. It was the best option available. It was the _only_ option available at that time with the best possible outcome. It was necessary.” You sound defensive, but you can’t help it. You and Thel have addressed the violence his people and the races of the Swords have committed against the Humans in the past, but you’ve never directly addressed the violence Humans have committed against them.

“(Y/N),” Thel says gently but firmly. He waits for you to look at him before he continues. His eyes are soft and not angry or discomfited as you’d feared.

“I know. Your plan was certainly creative, but it was successful. I would never judge you for something you do not judge me for. And...” He hesitates. “I have seen first-hand what Humans will do to survive,” he says solemnly and with no small amount of regret.

“Thank you, Thel,” you say as you lean more heavily into him, both to comfort him and in relief. The release of the worry you’ve held leaves you feeling lighter and slightly giddy. You gently smack him. “And there will be no self-deprecation on my watch, thank you _sir_.” Your tone is joking but Thel knows you’re serious. He can’t help huffing a laugh anyway; only you could make a term of respect sound both subtly and blatantly disrespectful at the same time.

Thel squeezes you gently and you rest your head against him. He [presses his mandibles together](https://arbiteranalysis.tumblr.com/post/122040171303/human-laughter-is-ridiculous-the-expression-that#:~:text=Broken%20Circle%20notes%20that%20a,a%20human's%20smile%20or%20laugh). He’s very glad you accepted his invitation to spend the night with him. This is nice, difficult topics aside.

“My Swords will lose their caution around you soon enough,” Thel assures lightly. “Some have never worked directly with Humans nor fought alongside them, especially not against other Sangheili. They will adjust.”

“I daresay they will treat you with more respect. One of the Covenant infiltrators, the one you mentioned, has stated that he would like to defect. A Zer ‘Kusum, I believe. He said he wishes to start righting his wrongs.” Thel feels a swell of pride in his hearts. “The prisoners too have been more forthcoming than usual.”

You smile and feel satisfaction that the secondary objective you had for the counter-coup succeeded. It would certainly gain you more respect amongst the Swords, and hopefully gain more respect and support for your profession and the other medics.

You and Thel sit there for a while in a comfortable silence, basking in each others’ presence. You feel safe and comfortable and warm cuddled up to Thel, and yawn as your exhaustion starts making itself known again. Thel considers suggesting you both get to bed, but is still privately worried about what has been bugging you. The signs are subtle, but he knows you well enough to catch them. You haven’t mentioned anything that could have caused your earlier misunderstanding and over-defensiveness, so he decides to ask.

“(Y/N),” Thel begins with a more serious tone. “Is there something else bothering you?”

You press your lips together, deciding how to talk about it. There is something that has been bugging you since the middle of the battle. You didn’t bring it up because you thought you’d just work through it on your own, like you usually do. Your friends are nice and you’re fond of them, but you don’t often have heart-to-hearts. It makes it easier for you all if someone dies. Thel is safe, though, and trustworthy.

“During the battle today, I noticed some things…” Thel gives you his full attention, and you squeeze his hand in appreciation. “Things I don’t like.”

“What are they?” Thel asks encouragingly.

“My status. I have no issue with the publicity of our relationship or being with you,” you reassure. “I just don’t like having VIP status. I don’t like that people were rather themselves or others die rather than let me get hurt.”

“Have you not experienced that to some extent before? Are you not protected more because you are a medic?” Thel thought that Humans put a lot of value into their medicine. He figured that they would be protected by their fellow soldiers so that they could aid more of their shield-siblings.

You frown a little. “Kind of. People have protected me before, if we’re under cover and I’m treating someone. But everyone does that for each other. If we think someone is more at risk or needs a break and we’re able to give them one, we do.”

“But no one has ever willingly taken damage or died just for me to be safe. No one has ever told me I _don’t_ have to go help fellow soldiers when they need it if I simply don’t want to.” You look troubled. Thel is trying to understand you, but he knows he has a different perspective than you.

“I don’t fully understand, I think,” Thel says. “I have seen and heard of Humans doing that for each other. I, too, know that sometimes you must leave other soldiers to die if you cannot rescue them.”

“That’s not…” All of that is true, but that’s not the point. You’re getting a little frustrated, trying to find a way to explain your feelings without it sounding bad.

“I don’t like people treating me like I’m so important,” you rush out. “I’m expendable, Thel. I’m just one Human among billions of other Humans. It doesn’t matter that much if I die, I’d just be replaced.”

Thel is stunned for a few seconds, processing what you just said. To say such a thing, and with such conviction-! You honestly think that’s true? He feels a swell of emotions, sadness, regret, hurt and anger for you. This is a topic that matters much to him, and he feels slightly overwhelmed by his anger.

“You are _not_ **_expendable_** , (Y/N),” he says vehemently with suppressed anger.

You blink, taken aback at the force of his reaction. Thel flexes his mandibles in a snarl and his amber eyes blaze. His free hand squeezes the unoccupied armrest of his chair so hard it creaks dangerously. He carefully but stiffly removes himself from his spot to stand and pace the room like a cornered [thremaleon](https://www.halopedia.org/Thremaleon).

You watch him with some bewilderment and wariness, but keep your head. You thought he would know this, having fought against Humanity for decades. “I am, though. There are millions - billions - of other Humans, other Sangheili like me. I’ve been expendable the moment I was born in an age of war.”

Your tone is meant to be calming, explanatory, but it only increases Thel’s indignation. He growls, clenching and unclenching his hands, aching for a weapon to hold or target to hit. He stalks away from you and takes deep breaths, urging himself to calm down.

Thel knows this is an irrationally emotional response, but he can’t help it. Your words have touched on a source of great trauma and struggle for him. When he failed in stopping the Master Chief from destroying the first Halo ring, he believed himself not justified, but at least not entirely at fault. The Flood was a more serious threat, one he was right in prioritizing.

No one else saw it that way. They saw it as foolishness, as heresy. They wished openly for a slow and painful death. They cheered and celebrated at his pain. They tortured him until he broke, until he thought they were right, until he _wanted_ to be punished, until he thought - _knew_ \- he deserved it.

He was made into an Arbiter, and told he was expendable. The False Prophets said so, his shield-brothers said so, even Rtas said so. He believed himself to be expendable, he _wanted to be_. He threw himself at his enemies, disregarded his safety, thought it was better he die than even the lowliest Unggoy. He truly believed his life was worth less than anyone else’s, that he existed just to be a tool.

It took great effort to believe otherwise. Even now, he struggles with self-worth. If he died, would it really matter that much? He would be made a martyr, and it would rally his people and his allies. They would fight on without him, elect a new leader, continue on unchanged.

Thel has to remind himself that he and every sentient being is unique, and worth something. There may be more Arbiters and leaders of the Swords of Sanghelios of the future, there would be more Kaidons of his Keep, but none of them would be _him_. He is his own person, and he is not expendable or worthless.

How is it that you feel the same as he did when he was brought to his lowest by the most corrupt system and ideals that the modern galaxy has produced?

“Thel?” You have gotten down from the chair and have approached him. You sound uncertain, worried.

Thel breathes deeply once more, dispelling his anger and trauma. He had thought that making soldiers believe they are worthless and expendable unique to the False Prophets; that their tyrannical rule reduced their people to numbers and pawns for them to move and dispose of as they saw fit. Now he is realizing that it is not the commander, it is the war.

In war, especially one as vast as the Great War, troops and soldiers would _have_ to be reduced to numbers. It would be tactically necessary. And it would make it easier on the commanders to send people to their deaths if they were merely numbers.

Thel does not see his troops as expendable. He values each and every one of them, even those as severely misled as Jul ‘Mdama. He values _your_ life.

“Thel?” You ask again, unsure. “Are you okay?”

Thel feels a flash of affection mixed with bitter irony. You are so, so caring. So caring that your first concern is for others over yourself. Part of it is your kindness, but another is a result of the War.

Thel turns and strides purposefully toward you. He kneels down and draws you carefully into a fierce hug and you let him, hugging back despite your confusion. He pulls back and places his hands gently on your cheeks so you look at him. You automatically raise your hands to his, furrowed brow and frown still present.

“You are not expendable, (Y/N),” he says calmly and with absolute certainty.

You huff a quick sigh through your nose. “I don’t understand why you’re being so insistent about this, Thel. Soldiers are expendable, we’re supposed to be. That’s how we survived the war, how we kept fighting and fighting even though we were losing. We made sacrifices, we died so that others would not. I’m not- I’m not saying I’m worthless or anything; I’m useful.” You drop your hands and fiddle with them in front of you. “I’m just saying it wouldn’t matter that much if I died. I’m replaceable.”

Thel closes his eyes and sighs. He’s hurt a bit, that you would think so lowly of yourself without even realizing it.

“Do you think I’d replace you, if you died?” He opens his eyes and looks at you sadly.

“I…” You swallow when you think about the fact that you’ll die long before he does. You’ve already thought about this. Advanced as Human technology may be, you know he’s going to outlive you.

“I think I would want you to. I wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life grieving, to give up this kind of happiness because of me. I’d want you to be happy again, without worrying if you were betraying my memory,” you softly admit.

Thel’s hearts ache, and he feels such sadness and love all at once. He leans his head against yours and takes your hands in his.

“If you died, and I found it in me to accept another partner, you would not be replaced. They would not be you.”

You feel bemused at the seemingly contradictory statement. That’s the whole point. Thel would find a partner that isn’t you; he’d replace you. As long as they’d make him happy,

“Is your family replaceable?” Thel asks gently, seemingly as a non-sequitur.

“What?” You do your best to ignore the sting you get at the implication, knowing he’s not accusing you of anything. You wait for him to explain but he just waits patiently.

“No, they’re not,” you say softly.

“Are your friends replaceable?”

“No.”

“Do you think that any of the soldiers you have treated are expendable?”

“No.” You think you see where he’s going with this.

“Then why do you think you are? Why do you only value yourself on what you can do for others?”

You squeeze his hands to keep yourself grounded. “I-...I don’t know. I’m not-...I’m not sure I help it, feeling this way. It’s how I was taught, how I got good grades and passed training. I don’t think anyone ever directly taught me this,” you assure him. “I just- this just happened,” you finish lamely.

Thel sighs and folds you into another hug, giving you comfort and not letting you get lost in your thoughts. “You’re not expendable, (Y/N). You are worth more than just what you can offer to others.”

You hug back, still in some bewilderment. Not at what Thel is talking about, but at why you’re like this. You’re not certain when you started thinking like this, or why you hold yourself to a higher standard than you do others. Logically, you _know_ that you’re holding yourself to a higher standard and that you don’t need to, but you can’t determine how exactly to get yourself to stop.

You sag against him, your thoughts and emotions in a whirlwind yet again; your exhaustion reasserting itself.

“Bed?” Thel asks quietly. You nod against him and turn as he guides you towards it, a hand between your shoulder blades, hoping you can feel how precious you are to him. Once you’re sitting on it, he goes and turns off the lights before joining you.

You settle together on his bed, entwined closely. He runs a hand through your hair, both of you enjoying the sensation. You lay together in the dark, your mind running and him doing his best to soothe you.

“How do you stand it?” You ask after a while. Thel hums in question as he has heard you do, the sound causing his chest to rumble.  
“How do you stand letting people get hurt for you, die for you?”

Thel already has his answer ready, having thought you would ask. “I know that those who would fight and die for me believe in me, and that have found me worthy of their loyalty. The same goes for you. It is their choice to serve you in such a way, no one forces them to. They wish to protect you, just as I do. Just as you wish to protect your friends and allies, and they you.”

You press his words into your mind, knowing you’ll be using them to cope with your new status.

“Thank you, Thel.”

“You’re welcome, (Y/N).”

You stay cuddled together, with his hand stroking your hair and your fingers absent-mindedly stroking his warm skin. You grow sleepier and are near nodding off when you hear Thel speak again.

“I wish you could love yourself as I love you.”

You open your eyes and peer up at him through the darkness.

“You love me?”

“Yes,” Thel answers easily.

“I love you too, Thel,” you say with warmth.

He tenderly strokes your face before leaning down to kiss you gently. His hearts are filled with contentment and joy, but now is not the time to celebrate.

“Rest now, my star.”

“Only if you rest too, my love.”

And you do, nestled together and sleeping well despite the day’s triumphs and tragedies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * (I) Oh look, a thing I forgot to address. Sangheili sleep just like Humans even though their legs are digitigrade. At least that’s what is implied in the Cole Protocol, I don’t remember exact passages, sorry. Definitely bigger than Human beds, unsure about firmness. Shape-wise, probably oval-shaped? Everything Covenant and ex-Covenant is very curvy and round, why not beds?
> 
> * (II) This is completely made up. I was looking through my master list for the whole series and remembered I planned for them to get engaged in both Human and Sangheili terms and kind of panicked because the Sangheili courting pretty much is engagement. So have some technicalities I used my excellent bullshitting skills on.


End file.
